Things I wish I could change...

There are 2 dates in my 26 years that changed my life and I sometimes wish I could go back and just tweak some things but I can’t. Every now and then, I wonder what would have happened if these 2 days never happened.

April 6, 2000


This was the day I landed in Trivandrum airport – the closure of my life abroad. I came like a lamb not knowing what awaits me. I was just grumpy and thought it was only my school and the great food I am going to miss, but it took me just 2 years to realize that each single pixel was going to change. 13 years from then, the very shy, trust-everyone, only-good-things-happen-in-this-world believing girl knew life. Today she trusts no one, is actually a bit smarter than what she was (or at least that's what she thinks!) and fights for her survival each single second of life. I always wondered what if I actually never came here, what if I was always the goofy dumb person I was back then? Well, I shall never know now. I was so bitter about all the changes but today, after several years, I am glad it happened.


September 13, 2009

This was the day my dad took his last breath. It took me years to actually accept this fact. I get so worked up and jealous when I see people around me with their dads. Even when I finish work and go home, I see several proud fathers waiting to pick their daughters or sons. It suddenly tugs my heart and wish I to go back in time and stop my dad from stepping on that fateful thorn. I always wish my dad, who played with several little babies could have played with my son, flung him in the air, took him on a bike-ride and spoiled him with junk food. But God had other plans and I would never probably be fully satisfied with His justifications, though I know He always does everything for the best.Though I miss the touch of his hands, I learned that I need to give my hands to those who love me and keep his memory alive till I breathe my last.

To everyone out there who does not really understand why some things seem to squeeze the living daylights out of you, hold on there, years from now you will probably understand.

The Hitchhiker

After a long and deserving break, I am back to keep my blog on life support. Life seems to be spinning faster than the earth with the little monster, my MBA classes, office and weddings. When thinking what to write about, I thought I could write about the adventurous trips I had in Chennai for my classes. Well, I did not jump out of moving trains or fire bazookas but it was a story for me.

During August of last year, I was on the way to write my exams in Saveetha Engineering College in my brother's car at around 8:20 am. I believed I had enough time to reach the college by 10 am, which is when the exams start. As we were driving, there was a road block of some sort and we were stranded. I kept my calm since there was ample time to reach the college which was just a 10-minute drive away from where the car had stopped. The time ticked away to 9:40 and that was when I switched over to panic mode. There was a huge car line and I called my coordinator who simply said in Oxford English "You late 1 minute, not allowed for exam" beeeeeep (line dead). I sat thinking for a minute and like Archimedes, I sat up enlightened with a plan. I grabbed my books, opened the car door, ran across the divider like a crazy person on the highway amidst all the vehicles, and waved my hand for some passerby to stop. The bikes kept whizzing by but one kind guy in a helmet stopped and I asked him to drop me at the college. He gestured to hop on the bike and I did. We rode fast, zipping through the wrong side of the road, and he dropped me at the college entrance saying he was late for work. I thanked him genuinely, I don't even know how he looked like becase he wore a helmet.

Okay, so 4 minutes left. I quickly calculated and figured out that if I walk to my class from the entrance it would take at the least 10 minutes so I stopped another old dude in a moped to get a lift up until my exam block. Yes, by this time I got quite used to the idea of stopping and traveling with strangers. I thank him profusely and run to my hall. 

Sadly I was still late... and that too by just 2 FREAKING MINUTES due to which I had to write an apology letter! (it only happens in Anna University, trust me) Anyways, I wrote the exam and passed it as well. The day was super-eventful and funny but my husband did not find it funny at all. He started yapping about how I put my life in danger and how could I ever get on strangers bikes, how I needed to think with my brains, blah blah blah.

Well, I don't think there was anything practical to do than what I did, after all I have invested much of my energy, time and money to write my exams and what is life if you don't take risks, right?

Respecting 'Her'

Is it just me or is it everywhere I look I only see news on someone being raped or molested? The Delhi incident sure did give a kick-in-the-butt for all the people who were just too ignorant of the fact that we live in a country where women are treated like objects.

I am sure by now people would start analyzing, scrutinizing, reasoning and do all the 'ing's with the unfortunate incident. A couple of retards have also given such logical reasons like, 'she should have begged for her life calling them brothers' or 'what was she doing out that late' - these guys should have been leaders in the UN Council, I mean such wisdom, really! So many people have given their two pence on this incident but what if you personally knew this girl - what would you say then? Would you still say that it's none of my business, or who cares, or did she really need to watch a movie?

Last night I  thought about Jyothi, who was tagged in several names and was the talk of the month, was just a woman like me, who had dreams, lived a normal life, had friends, and had a right to live her life and everything came crashing just because she took the wrong bus? 6 barbarians, who had no meaningful life wanted to teach her a lesson apparently. What lesson? the lesson they were made to believe - that a women belongs in her kitchen, a women has no life of her own, a woman is just an object that can be used and discarded or ignored, a woman can't laugh loud, love a man, dream crazily or speak her mind. So, who taught them these so called lessons? Was it those barbarians' parents or their school or the society they lived in or the media that they were exposed to? You decide.

I live in a land where I think twice to dress while going out or board buses or walk in a crowded place. And please, QUIT saying that our clothing provokes you because my question to you then will be what dressing on a 7 month old baby girl or a 11 year old girl made you jump out of your pants? 

 

This Delhi incident is just one that actually made it to such media attention - trust me, there are thousands which are forgotten or swept under the carpet. I am sure every girl out there must have faced some sort of sexual assault in some way or the other. My question is why? Is it because of all the movies that show each close-cut scene on how helpless a woman is while getting assaulted? Is it because of the newspapers that focus on all the negativity happening around while turning a blind-eye to all the little positive stories? Is it that our people love listening to the gory details on how, when, why and by whom she was raped? I don't know.

I think we all have a part to play where we need to tell our friends, brothers, nephews, cousins or sons to respect women and make them understand that women are humans too, just like them and they are physically weaker and God gave them for a reason - to love and be loved, not to be hunted like animals or looked down upon, but instead understand and know that here is a being, who is similar to the one that brought you into this world and she truly and most definitely deserves her respect.

For Nameeta...

Dearest Namidey,

You have always wanted me to write a blog about you and finally I mustered up the will to do it.

You are getting married, in what, 24 hours? and then you will change your FB status to married - Okay, you aren't that lame. I was thinking about about this complex thing called 'marriage' and I thought I'd write a nice post for you on that - after all, we are "Best Friends no da?"

Marriage does funny things to you - no, being pregnant is definitely not one of them - but it makes you happy and can put you down as well. It's a whole, long roller-coaster ride that you just gather up guts and go with it. Do not believe people when they say, 'Ooooh its fun, we are SO in love now' or 'It's the most blissful thing that ever happened to me' because one - they are lying, or two - they have not enjoyed or seen much of life. Marriage is definitely more than that - they say the first year is the hardest and I totally buy that. I have had my share of hard times and totally memorable times.

I know that you will make a great family. You have a real honest heart, though you act like a wood-chomping maniac at times. You are this person who just fills up an empty space (literally - he he) and that's something just incredible. I love the way you also shut up when I say leave me alone - not many do that, they actually bug me telling 'I'm there to help' when all I want is to be really left alone. I know that you are just a people-dealer, you know, just put up with all the weirdest ones (me being one). When you go to the big Apple, please make sure you still are the same and no one gets to change those awesome things about you (Yes Jude, I am looking at you!).

Some memories just for the both of us (and people, please DO NOT ask me):
The Karva chauth thing in office where you acted real funny (we both know why)
The man we fight for - "S" (he's still mine! :P)
The skirt and Bi story ( well, it worked,  didn't it?)
Cockroach and the cockroach from your side
How you made me not to wag my tail anymore to 'someone'
My buttermilk story (seriously, it was just gulped down okay!)
When you came to see me at the hospital (kutty ....)
Tequila (he he!)
My hate list (Who's number 1? - you better remember it and pass it on to my son okay)

There are more but I think this would make both of us smile....

I miss you already "useless, hopeless, see, men, mad only you are," girl. Oh and I totally forgot - I love the fact that you are my son's godmother because you were a friend who was there when I needed you the most and I hope that you'd be there always for him.

Don't give up when times are a little hard or when you miss home - always remember 'This too shall pass.' 

God bless you babe, and I truly mean that.

Can I help You?

Get off of my back! That is exactly the way I feel when I go shopping at times and meet the sales guys/girls who stand in their uniforms. I go to this shop - just to get a tiny li'l gift - and there is this dude who is like "Madam, can I help you?" and I go "No, I just need to look around." He then looks at me as if I just offended him by calling names at his ancestors or something and keeps following me. I turn left and there he is. I take a step front and yes, there he is. Okay, just let me turn back and there he is again. Really? Did he work as an invigilator in some Engineering college here?

There are also the cheerful employees. I go to this jewellery shop (not gold - the case is entirely different there) and ask to see a couple of earrings. The shop's got like loads of boxes stacked there and this female there, she shows me two boxes and I'm like eagerly asking "Is there anything else besides these patterns?" and she gives me this expression like she swallowed phlegm or something and slams a box on my face. I cautiously look at the box, then at her and slowly rummage through the plunder. Then like Oliver Twist who asked for more, I dared to ask her if there is any other box. She looks at me with such rage and hisses "NO!" and slams the boxes back to their shelves with such speed as if any delaying further might destroy mankind. Yayyyy - shopping is fun!

The last one which never fails to impress me is the hard working bank employees, especially the government run ones. You go to a bank to withdraw cash and you forget to carry a pen (damn you handbag!) and the guy behind the counter gives you the pen, but not without a look that reads 'How-unworthy-thou-art-that-thou-does-not-carry-a-pen.' You stand in queue and finally reach the window and the dude takes his own sweet time to even look up at you - why? because he just had a rough day with his wife. I mean who cares if people put permissions in office or left babies under other peoples care or have to pay dues today or whatever. Its nothing compared to the pain that this guy who sits in his seat faces, I mean I understand that its MY money in there you F-R-E-A-K but that can wait. After all, all good things come to him who patiently wait. Sigh!

My Mini Valentine

Life's like a roller coaster ride now - thanks to  my mini-valentine! I hardly ever use the word 'bored' nowadays.

So what does a typical mother's day look like? I need to get up early to eat breakfast before the li'l one gets up, wash his soiled nappies, hang them, fold his cleaned ones, make lunch, feed him, bathe him, feed him again, put him to nap ( this is NOT an easy task), eat my lunch, sit down to relax (what's that noise? he's up already..), play with him, try making tea and entertain him at the same time, put him for a small nap, read mails, run to make dinner, heat water to bathe him, bathe him, feed him, have dinner, and sit for long hours putting him to sleep. Yeah, pretty much this is what everyday of my life revolves around.

How on earth did my mom raise three kids and that too all of us were like just one or two years apart. I have no idea how she did it but seriously women ARE the greatest of God's creation. They multi task so goddamn well! So what do we get in return for all this back breaking work? Picture this: I sit on my bed looking at this tiny being unfurling his arms and legs, his eyes move over to mine, he stares at me, I stare back at him all dead tired and then he coos 'aaah' and gives this big toothless smile - and believe me that's the instant I know this is all worth it. Each pain I go through, each second of my life spent slaving for him, each moment I sit spent out - everything is like totally worth it for this li'l toothless smile from that saliva-gurgling face.

Happy Valentines Day guys...!

2012 - Here we come!

Welcome 2012!

Last year was pretty good, considering I was pregnant and pampered most of the time. Last year New Year’s Day was the worst day I ever experienced and I remember praying to God to let the next year be good and I guess this year was kind of better.

I don’t know if it’s just me but I find Xmas and New Year becoming dull and boring each passing year (maybe I am getting too old?). Few years back my street would be bustling with fire crackers and people, but this year, there wasn’t even a soul passing by. I just heard some distant sound of cracker blasts somewhere near my home. Even the lightings were lesser this time when years back neighbors competitively put up lights and stars such that their house would stand out the best. Lorry carols would keep coming by and weird, demented people in Santa costumes would shake their fake bellies and dance around. However, this time only one lorry carol turned up, and that too playing the age old song of Dr. Jones from Aqua.

Perhaps people are just becoming too busy with their fast paced lives. Gone are the days when we would fill up greeting cards, shop for weeks for clothes, look under the Christmas tree for gifts from Santa (a.k.a our dad) and bake homemade goodies. Now, they are just replaced by tagging in Facebook and bakery replicates. I wish those days don’t die off completely. I miss caroling with my friends and goofing around. Well, atleast cyclone Thane did not pay us a visit so that’s good news.

I wonder what 2012 has in store for all of us, and please don’t get me started on the world’s-gonna-end crap from some Mayan calendar nonsense. Hope 2012 brings new beginnings and changes to those who are in need of them.

For my teachers...

Teacher's day was celebrated this month and I was wondering why not pen down a few words on the people from school who made me who I am today.

Very few people actually leave a deep impression on my head. There might have been a 100 teachers who must have taught me but very few who I really adored and looked up to. There were a whole class of them - some of them mean, some of them so timid, some weird and some were awesome. I think I did mention in one of my previous posts that I once thought of being a teacher. When I was studying abroad, there were a variety of teachers from all over India - north, south, east and west. I can remember only few who actually I adored the most. One was Irfana Jalal - this teacher was so damn pretty. I know this is not a reason to like a teacher but every kid gets mesmerized by one teacher or the other for her looks ( seriously!) and this was one of those times. She was absolutely gorgeous. She taught Hindi and the subject was loved by me that year just because she was teaching it.

So next was a chemistry teacher - Gita Sivakumar. She was the word for 'class and professionalism.' She was from Kerala but did not have their accent. She was a gem and believe me when I say chemistry was a breeze when she explained it. I really did not have to even study the subject for the way she took it. Her attire would be very formal such that it would never attract unwanted attention and she was someone who could make even the dumbest kid wise up.

The person who I'd always cherish was Mrs. Sequiera (hope I got the spelling right). She was a terror to everyone. She'd make all the girls run from toilets and boys run the other way around when they spot her. She was one to look out for as she'd storm behind you unexpectedly and catch you when you're with your boyfriend/girlfriend or bunking class or wearing too short pinafores.

Now, why did I like her? I used to be real bad in Maths and was at the verge of failing during grade 6. She taught me English but she was also my class teacher. During the dreaded parents-teachers meet, my folks came to see her and I expected her to complain to my parents regarding my Math marks but she was just the opposite. She explained to my folks that I was a good kid and I needed to brush up on Maths and gave me  few books from her cupboard to help me. Next exam, I scored 90% for it. It wasn't only the books but her way of helping me out when I had a problem and the way she'd patiently understand- all this just made me love her. Also, she was such a wonderful woman - she'd visit hospitals and pray for the sick and never miss church.

I only named a few but there are so many teachers who really shaped me up - some who shared their food with me, some who made me cry, some who helped me when I was sick and some who hit me with rulers for bad handwriting ( I know!). I can also never forget the teachers here like Arulanantham, Samuel, Jeya and a whole bunch who were very sweet people.

I believe teachers play a very pivotal role in molding up a kid and to all my teachers out there - Happy Teachers Day! You guys really are to be praised for such a worthy job.

The First Picture

Last week I went for my scan - it's called anomaly scan or something. I was really excited as I wanted to see the first real image of whatever was in there. After an initial confusion of the names Hepzi and Gibsy, the doc finally called me in. I asked if Dan could come along and the nurse politely told that he will be allowed in the last five minutes to see the scan picture.

I went in and was made to lie on a bed and the doc was looking at my report and asked me lots of questions like if anyone in my family had abnormalities, if I married my cousin, if I had fever in the last few months, etc etc. After replying all in the negative, she applied this really cold gel over my tummy and told me to relax and I was like okay, this is gonna be fine.

The doc was amazing. Her name was Anjana Mala and she was so reassuring and good. She kept the tiny movable thing on my tummy and then she turned the monitor to me and asked, "There.. doesn't the baby look like the dad?" and I turned and I saw the picture. I saw the head - the outline of a tiny nose and skull. Tears welled up in my eyes. I was barely able to speak with emotions overwhelming me and I just smiled and looked on thinking,  two lives created this one life and there it is - alive and moving! How can people not believe in God and his love I wondered.

The doc then proceeded to take vital measurements and the li'l one was moving a lot and making things hard for her I guess. I even looked at it stretching its head backwards and I laughed. She told me everything was normal and looking good. Thank God for that. Finally the dad came in and he was sitting beside me. She showed him the picture again.  He was like "it's not very clear, is it?" and everyone started laughing. Well, we can't get a Kodak shot for that now, can we?

Then he watched open-eyed, in amazement and blissful joy as she showed him our kid's arms, legs, spine, feet and eyes. We even heard the heartbeat and it's something that I will always cherish in my memories. They even handed us a beautiful picture of our li'l baby to treasure. The scan was finally over and the doc finally said, "Very active baby.. It'll be a challenge growing it up!"

P.S - The image shown is not our kid's... I don't want to put it up right now but it looked more or less like this.

Primigravida

Floating inside two years of marital bliss makes all the people around you curious with questions and one very common one among them is – aren’t you planning to have kids?

Whenever me and my husband go anywhere and I mean any part of this world, it all starts with – how long have you been married? What are you doing now? Don’t have any kids? We both will look at each other and smile and say we just got married, let things settle down a bit. Some people really bug me when they throw this question in front of a crowd – it’s really insensitive to do that you clowns! There was this particular woman in my husband’s native who asked me if I had a kid and I was like no and then her face went like as if I told her I had a dreadful disease and I was about to die the next day. She held my hand and looked up to me with such sad, pitiful eyes that I really felt like I was living my last days on earth.

At first it was funny, but as days went by it really got to my nerves. I mean here I was working to stabilize and fix holes in my life and people were like jumping everywhere and popping the inevitable question. I mean its okay but what about people who really have problems – people give them a break, will ya?


So you can imagine how everyone reacted when I told them that I was indeed going to be a mom – yes I am finally pregnant. Then everyone became doctors and dieticians telling me what to eat, what to see (yes, see on TV – apparently I shouldn’t watch violent movies), what to listen, what to talk…. The list goes on. Well, whatever it is, I know that something beautiful living in me is waiting to meet me soon...

Driving Crazy

Many of us while going to work or anywhere must have encountered a foolish driver and you must have wondered – who on earth gave these guys a license?

I do not want any one of you to think about me that way – one of the many reasons why I don’t drive despite getting a car and a license. Getting a license here is no big deal at all. You apply for a learners and voila – whether you know the difference between the clutch or the brake – you get the license. There are even people to help you in the so called written exams they have – I did not even know what was written in tamil on the screen, a guy behind me was like press A or press C.  It’s all so neatly taken care of that we have so many people with awesome driving skills here.

I drive on highways (naturally, you don’t have to use the clutch+brake much when you’re hitting 100) and that too with my husband sitting next to me who screams like he’s in labor when he sees me doing some foolish stuff. I decided that I would be taking the car only after I have mastered the art to perfection – which is by no chance anywhere near in future.

Oh, and by the way I also got a two-wheeler license. If there was any sane man on planet earth, he would have thought twice before approving my license for two-wheelers. I still remember the days I sat on the bike to learn that with my husband behind me. If there was a dog like 10 feet away from me standing on one side – I would suddenly apply brakes - my reason: what if the doggy suddenly decided to cross the road? This selfless attitude of mine would make all the vehicles behind me stop, honk and well, you can imagine the chaos. So, in case you see a foolish driver around going on the wrong side or not signaling before turning, leave the person in peace I say – it’s just not his/her fault!

R-E-L-A-T-I-V-E-S

There are so many things that I cant understand in this planet I live in and one among that is R-E-L-A-T-I-V-E-S. How did they evolve? Okay, this I know but things like - did they evolve with brains - is something that has made my mind wonder.

You ask me 12 years back about my relatives then I would proudly tell you that they are my family but now I feel that they are this weird bunch of people who just love to wreak havoc on people. Whenever we came from vacations relatives would throng our houses and my dad like the summer Santa Claus would fling all kinds of "Faareign" things to them. They will lift me and my siblings, pull our cheeks, kiss us and never let our feet rest on the ground. Sigh! It was magical. They would all camp in our house when we leave for the airport and cry with copious tears. All the drama... phew!

Then we came here for good. I was waiting for all the attention and affection and all but where did everyone go? Soon we started hearing things like we don't help, we don't care, we are selfish people and after all they (relatives) have done for us we hardly mind them. Yeah, it tickled my funny bone too.

Recently, my uncle and his family came from abroad, so we and the relatives clan went to see them. I saw history repeat itself when my aunties and uncles were cuddling my uncle's kids, pinching their cheeks and slobbering their saliva all over them. Ugh! I was sick.

That's not all. There is always comparisons as to- 'oh my kid studies better!' or 'look I've got a kid who doesn't have a boyfriend' or 'I have brought up my kids with such discipline!' or 'look at me - I am the best.' I am so tired of such ramblings that I grew immune to it now.

I do envy some of my friends families who have such amazing relatives - they are like this perfect, fun-loving family - being there for them through thick and thin. I don't know what went wrong where in my family lineage. I just hope that my child doesn't write a blog post like this on my brother or sister's kids.

Happenings...

I am back after such a long time - really lost track of the blogging world I guess. Did not know what to write for this post so thought of penning down few incidents that happened lately.

Last week while I was going past office I saw this old woman lying on the road and people rushing up to her trying to give water. I recognized her - she was this confused beggar walking near cars and bakeries asking for money from bystanders. I was surprised that people actually were trying to help because I witnessed a live accident in Hosur a few months back where an old man flew from a bike and landed on his face on the tar road. I was looking all stunned and my mother in law was about to go feel his pulse but my husband stopped her. I was like gosh, this person's dying and we can't save him. But we were told that since we were just tourists, if anything happened to that guy we would be called to the station and would involve a hell lot of formalities. The old man survived but I was irritated with the way things work here; life was just not given importance.

I do hope things change here. However, there was one happy incident that took place which was also a few months back. I have a phone which is like something I CANNOT part with. It is like I lose touch with the world if I don't have it in my hands - okay - I know you get the point. So here I was shopping in Lynns and when I paid the bills, I noticed my small pouch that I carry my phone in was missing. I froze for a while. I became frantic and tried calling but brilliant me just had to put it in silent mode. I lost hope knowing that no one will neglect a chance to whisk away my red phone. I went to the counter where I purchased deos and there it was, untouched and waiting for me, and the sales woman just gave a casual smile and told me "you forgot to take your phone."

I felt like hugging her.  I mean she could have just switched it off and stolen it including the money in my purse but she just handed it out to me and I was just plain surprised. Maybe I should start believing there are nice people in this world.

I want to be a....

I just overhead my aunt asking her child the question which we all must have heard at least once from someone in life - what do you want to be when you grow up? This got my tiny brain thinking and I was like - wait a minute - I never wanted to be what I am today. So what did I really want to be. Well, a lot of things since I am a totally indecisive kind of person.

I wanted to be a teacher when I was eight years old. I loved the way the teachers in my school used to scrape their chalk piece on the board and that too with beautiful, colorful chalk pieces. I was madly in love with this profession that my younger sister was often a victim of my fake-class by being a student surrounded by dolls who were sitting on chairs. I would wrap a bed sheet around myself (supposed to be the sari) and start taking classes on my terrace door - which served its purpose of being a blackboard. Sadly, my love for teachers or should I say chalk pieces diminished such that after two years I wanted to be a nun.

Don't ask me why. Its just that I wanted to wear that hood-like thing on the head and not marry anyone. I loved Mother Teresa and maybe I was simply fascinated by movies where they dress up like that and got to eat a lot of that communion bread stuff (which by the way I was dying to eat tat time because I wanted to know what it tasted like and my parents told I had to wait for it).

When I was 13, my sole aim in life was to become a veterinary doctor because I simply loved animals (by animals I only thought of cats and dogs - not cows and hens). I used to watch BBC where they would show these documentaries with doctors in their neat blue gowns helping dogs, cats, horses (No, I did not see them helping cows or hens) on clean tables and I was like, wow that would be me someday.  I spent my vacation that year in India and saw a man shoving his hand deep down into a cow's butt. I started laughing and thinking why would anyone do that and my grandma told those are veterinary doctors. At the speed of light my ambition changed - I wanted to be an air-hostess.

I love traveling so I thought I can fly all over the world and get paid for it as well. Unfortunately I developed a fear after seeing the number of plane crashes and I totally get worked up when the flight lands so my mind settled for being an engineer. An engineer is what I am today though I really don't know anything about it. Yeah, I don't even know how to fix a simple wire connection like my husband says - so much for struggling 4 years in a horrible college. Well, I'm thinking now... I love architecture, painting and designing... Maybe I should be an interior designer? :P

                                     

Grow Up!

Growing up is something I hate. I wish I was like Peter Pan who never grew up and who basically did not want to shoulder the painful responsibilities the world had to offer. I wish I could go back in time and stay right there.

I remember the days when I used to wish that I would finish my schooling fast and why was that? So that I could stop doing homework. Yeah, that was lame. Then I wanted to finish college real soon because I couldn’t stand college – OK this is a valid reason.  Then I was stubborn that I wanted to work and now I whine when I am dead tired while reaching my doorstep.

So why is it painful to grow up? Is it solely because of responsibilities or the fact that the world doesn’t look rainbow colored as we were brought up to believe while singing nursery rhymes? The naïve life that we lived isn’t there anymore. I used to cry when I see birds dying or fishes floating lifeless till I was 14. I thought that it was the worst thing that could happen in one’s life and oops… I was wrong. Now, I have seen live scenarios of people getting hurt. They sure did never teach us to be prepared for all this while we were kids.

I thought my fourth grade friend stealing my favorite pink Minnie mouse pen was the worst sin anyone could commit but had I known how people can backstab, I would have gladly given my friend a box of pink Minnie mouse pens. We were protected from all that’s bad in this world but eventually we learn it or experience it one way or the other.

Maybe this was why God forbade Adam and Eve to eat the fruit of knowledge; to keep them happier but like me and everyone else in this world, they just wanted to “know” stuff.  I am sure after that mistake they probably wished to turn back time too.

It’s not like I laugh now when I see birds or dogs dying, but I have learnt to deal with it. I learnt to harden myself and not be foolish and naïve. I mean we’re living in a world that is filled with terrorism, child trafficking, poverty and wars - not Barney the friendly, purple dinosaur dancing around singing 'I love you'. It’s true that I miss the good ol' days cycling on a four-wheeled cycle wearing a petticoat and getting balls of rice fed to me by my mom, but one day whether we like it or not, we have to accept the fact that life must go on.  Unless we grow up and learn to face the world, I don't think we will ever be able to protect our children and give them the courage to move up in life.

Have you ever met a Stranger?

I have a form of xenophobia. Let me spare your trouble of googling that word - it means fear of strangers. I don't interact very well with them and I always have this inhibition popping out of nowhere when I meet them. Whenever I meet new people I naturally become quiet and start studying them. Its like I am a porcupine whose quills start taking shape when it senses predators.

I remember this one incident which happened years back. Me and my mom were returning from Vellore after her medical treatment in CMC. We hadn't reserved the train tickets so we got two unreserved tickets and climbed into the reserved compartment. We usually do this and when the train conductor comes we buy the reserved tickets from him for the sleeper class. This time we were in for bad luck as the train was totally crowded and I had a hunch that there wouldn't be any sleeper class tickets available. We sat in one empty berth facing a couple traveling to Kerala. I sat there facing the window while my mom was dozing off owing to fatigue. The man whom I assumed to be the woman's husband looked at me and smiled and I could feel that sudden inhibition waking up in me. I shifted uneasily, pretended as if I did not see him and continued to stare out of the window. He turned to his wife and they were chit chatting about something in Malayalam excitedly and were eating crackers.

Slowly, the woman turned to my mom and smiled at her and asked her in Malayalam where we were heading to. My mom replied in Tamil and politely asked her where they were from. She told some Ernakulam or something, and offered my mom some crackers and my mom took one. Then the lady offered me the silver wrapper containing the salty crackers and I cautiously took one. I slowly nudged my mom's foot and with the power of eye language, was telling her to throw the cracker out of the window. (Don't blame me..I had my reasons.. people used to drug these things and rob for heaven's sake!) She passed it on to me and I pretended to go to the rest room and flung those evil crackers out of the window and resumed my calm posture on the seat staring at the fleeing fields and trees.

I tried looking for the train conductor amidst the hustle of tea and coffee sellers so that I could ask him if there were any available tickets but he was nowhere to be seen. No one came to claim the seats we were resting upon so I thought everything will be fine. After a few long hours when I was in deep slumber, I found myself waking up to some loud noises coming from my berth below and I could see the familiar couple arguing with the train conductor and my mom having a very worried expression on her face. I jumped down thinking the predicted robbery had happened - I was wrong. The reality was a couple of men who owned these berths came and started arguing for their rightful seats, whereas the couple whom I misjudged, were defending my mom and tried reasoning with them to give her a seat since she was sick. I felt kind of foolish as my instincts had gone wrong. Finally the couple gave up one of their two berths to us so that we shouldn't be kicked out and they adjusted with one.

Their stop for Ernakulam arrived and they bid us goodbye with their ever smiling faces. I could feel those porcupine spines in me relaxing and I waved back at them smiling, genuinely this time.

The Social Network

I doubt if there is anyone who is not in some social networking site or the other. I mean 99% of my friends are there in either Facebook or Orkut or Hi5 and the rest 1% are too busy in life to join the networking club. I joined Facebook nearly two years ago and I was super excited at first since it was the first ever social site I put my leg in. I was all into updating my interests, taking the perfect display picture, and adding my school friends. I was an active member of games like pet society, UNO, Restaurant City, Pull tabs, Sudoku etc. But I guess the interest in games slowly fades away with time. My pet Fifi must be drowned in flies by now and starving to death (that is what happens when you don’t play the game for a long time) and my restaurant in 'Restaurant City' burnt down.

I understand the fascination behind taking photos of yourself but quite a few are obsessed with themselves. Their narcist like albums are only filled with photos of them giving weird wanna-be poses. Surely you could have a few self-centered shots but seriously people, I don’t think anyone would be interested in you sitting, standing, walking or standing topless showcasing your newly grown (fl)abs. Oh, and there are some of them who keep photoshopping their faces - I actually tend to forget what they really looked like.

Another class of people actually hit ‘like’ on whatever they post. They post something and then they like it, they comment and they like their own comment. They post a video and oh, there is someone who liked it – click to see who it is and bingo, it is the same person who posted it. Uh, it just portrays your sorry state.

I also get tired of unknown and barely acquainted people sending me requests. I mean no offense but it’s a “friends list” and I actually would like people who I know, really message or talk to me to be in that list. So please don’t fret or call me arrogant and pig-headed when I click ignore.

So whether you are filling mob contracts, milking cows, cleaning pets, stalking people or posting corny lines, do it sensibly. You are being watched.

                     

Welcome 2011!

Its such a long time since I wrote my last post and I thought, hey why not wish everyone a New year or something (I know it is a little too late :D). So hope everyone had an awesome New Year, mine wasn't at all and please don't ask me why.

Every New Year I would hope that the forthcoming year would bring me some sort of magical happy things but by the end of the year I would start whining about how hopeless the year was.

Last year January I remember how wasted me and my group of friends were. We would roam around, play cards, boardgames, go to the beach at 1:00 AM and  live a nocturnal life. I still remember when the same month last year, we were returning from a trip and we were discussing that we would return to our spoilt lazy lives. Now its 1 year and we hardly do the crazy things we used to. I think when time goes by the only thing we seem to see is change. When changes happen, we feel difficult to absorb it and come to terms with it. I do miss the old times but this is the way it should be. Time sure does make us wise.

I do wish this year this place would change a bit more, people over here change (who am I kidding??), and good things happen. So though its kinda late, here's wishing everyone an awesome blessed 2011.

Dear Dan

Dear Dan,

I have learned so many things in life from you. I feel like writing it to you so that it would always be there no matter what. I learned from my life with you that affection need not be displayed and that it can be understood even when you are silent. I learned that having a fight would never alter your feelings or mine, now or forever. After a storm there will always be sunshine. I learned that God is truly love and he lives in us. 

I know there might be perfect couples out there but I love the way God paired us up. Perfect would be too boring. I love to wrestle with you, call you names, talk in the night till I fall asleep and fight for the last piece of chocolate in the fridge. Yes, I love being a kid with you. I find it beautiful that you are weird just like me. I love the way you give me my space, freedom and put up with my stubborn moronic behavior. I love to watch you sleep like a child each morning and I like the way you make me laugh (of course you have made me cry too – I never liked that :D).I love the way your ego works when after a fight you hold me in your arms in the night thinking I will never know because I am asleep.

When people told me that I would be making a grave mistake choosing to start my life with you, I believed in us. I am glad I did. Life was not a bed of roses, but we made it till here. Yes, the first few months were hard but I realized you are just like wine - the older you got, the better you turned out.

Of course you have your anger, impatience, and craziness that comes with the package, but Love does conquer all. Celebrating 2 years of our roller-coaster life together on this day, it just feels like getting married all over again.

The Prodigal Son

"As the Sun rises each day so will I rise to show the world that I am not a gas-bag"

These words were written by a really great person. Any guesses? It was by my brother - Gibson. It might have had a taste of corniness to it before but not anymore.

My brother was, in my words, a guy who never liked to be tied down, totally irresponsible, and a free-willed person. I grew up very close to him. We used to be a pair at home during childhood, always against my younger sister (yeah, we do that now too ;) ) However, as years sped I felt that he had an easy life (atleast that's what I thought). He was the apple of the eye to my dad. He had more freedom than me and my sister and I found that very annoying. When we were in our late teens we started having lots of differences and we fought a LOT. Then he left off to Chennai and as usual being a first-timer in Chennai, he had all the fun.

When his exam results came, he had  arrears in almost all subjects. Professors from his college would call home complaining about his laziness and poor attendance. My dad would be irritated and sad at times looking at his progress. Then he moved into his own apartment during second year and he became even worse with his academics. There was even a time when he was about to be debarred but thankfully that did not happen. He hardly came home, not even during Christmas. That was the time I found his diary, usually kept for writing contact numbers and codes. He wrote this line and also a page of how he would keep my dad proud and come out as a graduate. This he wrote when my dad went to Chennai to join him in college. My dad only went for Gibson's admission. Mine and my sister's was done by my mom. Finally, he finished college with 34 arrears.

Then he felt a little remorse so he joined Sutherland and decided to work and study. In the end he had 4 arrears - all maths. He was allergic to maths. That's when my dad fell sick. My brother took care of my dad for a month, washing his wounds and staying in horrid hospitals. He slept on the floor. There was no greater gift for my dad than to see his darling boy take care of him. I never expected that from Gibson. Noone did. In a month  my dad was gone and I still have the image of how my brother cried like a child in front of my eyes. He passed right the next semester becoming an engineer.

I went to Chennai last week, and I saw him in his car. He has an awesome job and with that he got a second hand car. He could get any car asking my mom if he wanted, but he wasn't that brat that was 5 years ago. He took care of us during our stay in Chennai. I was looking at him talk to everyone with such mannerisms. I felt swollen with pride. I can only imagine what my dad would feel at this instant, he would just give the whole world to him. I saw in him care and affection. I saw a responsible, hardworking, loving person in him that day. That's when I saw my dad in him and tears welled up.You are not a gasbag, I think you proved that to us.